Sometimes, I wonder how long I should wait to see if he can catch up with where I think I am vis-a-vis him, and yet I think what bullshit that is to even have that thought because clearly I am presently looking for anyway out of this yummy relationship I’ve found, maybe because I know how this yummy could be yummier, yet this relationship won’t be the one to do THAT yummy in my mind even if I ask, sigh. Yet, I will, for another year and a half, keep asking and pushing for the yummy I want in this relationship.

Knowing Reality

To understand the world we live in, we are taught to understand our reality.  These are things I’ve learned as a human:

1. People Are Mean. I’m sure I am too even though I make much effort to be nice, I don’t think I always succeed at not being mean. Yet, when I’m mean, it’s because of words I’ve said almost always out of ignorance, not because I tried to be mean.

Yet, even as a small child with two mean older sisters and a mom who encouraged them, I learned there are mean people who are just mean because their size, position, age, agenda or intention.  As I’ve grown up, I’ve witnessed the same kind of meanness in the workplace and in life.

There are people who were taught to be mean by their “teachers” who taught them how to learn to hurt others. Often mean people bring those thoughts and teachings and include them in policies of business and governments.

2. People Are Violent. Really. And most who are violent enjoy being violent. We are violent in our personal relationships as much as we are in our professional or public ones. I appreciate physical exchanges as much as the next person, yet I’m not about to slap anyone, if it comes to that, I was taught to walk away.

Yet, from the colossal military we have, to our uber police forces, we have taken violence and perfected its use.  And, we don’t understand why this is a problem in our world.

3. My Voice Matters. I realize that it really doesn’t matter in this vast huge cosmos, yet, the truth I’ve learned is it does.

Whether it’s was the blood curdling scream as a child that finally got my dad to rescue me from my sisters, or whether it’s the statements I make to our little town’s city council and police chief because I witness police officers speaking meanly or with violent words and threatening postures, or that I share my words here on the internet with no one at all, the expression is important. Even if it’s just important for me.

If I do not use my voice to stop what I don’t like, it will continue for certain, that I’ve learned.

Don’t worry if you feel like no one is listening, be patient and consistent. Listen for others saying the same things you are, there will be others, you will hear them.

Share stories and support each other — my experience with Occupy taught me about empowering in solidarity even when there is (or seems to be) a conflict. When empowering, it’s so quickly that conflicts transform to like minded actions to support the whole. Yes, it’s often hard to empower others as I think about my sisters, my only advice is, if you cannot empower, just stay away until you can.

Watch “Jesse Boykins III – Plain (Lyric Dance Video)” on YouTube

Some days fall rapidly upon one another, tomorrow is three weeks since my #NewBoyfriend closed on his new house. I’m watching him painting his walls with #OopsPaint from #HomeDepot right now. I am often dizzy rn, so I’m doing little except resting in a chair running my fingers around the mobile world.

Some days I just wish that I could tell someone what I want done and they would just make it happen for me. Yet, then I look around and see so many other-people-me’s already out there doing what I want to happen.

I get to listen to music, smoke a joint and watch my #NewBoyfriend #OopsPaint his new crib. Maybe, I’ll take the rest of the curtain rods out of the wall for him. Oh, does this reminds me of my first marriage … is this what life on earth is really like? #sameness #routine #expectation or are people just really that “the same” and I really AM an alien?

I just want a conversation with a reality I want to participate in creating, and everything is just so mean, violent and trying to win and being successful has nothing to do with any of that in my head.

Sometimes I wonder what life I was born to breathe if not this one, and why isn’t it easier to manage in my head?

A Screen Shot Communication

image

I share this here because do you see that there: “Your arguments will be heard” …. yeah! My argument is that Twitter should not be able to take my free use of a hashtag like #NFL to describe my thoughts of the tv game I was watching, then create a GIF by someone else without providing payment for co-collaboration. And, maybe one day, I’ll get a new car. Sometimes, I don’t mind giving feedback I also know people get paid for that, maybe that will be my new way to pay for things.

He’s Sleeping

yes, right now, he’s napping. May I take a message? Name? Return number? I’ll be sure he sees it, unless I can just help you with something, then I will.

I love our typical afternoons — first lunch, then a nice joint, then we make love, always enjoying 69 before actually having sex before we have a nap, then dinner.  That’s my life, yes, seriously. Almost everyday.

Who wouldn’t want this job? Yes, if we start looking at this as a job, this is the “job” part of the “wife” position for many women, just as I guess, it may as well be for men, and some of us enjoy it more than others.

Today, these are my thoughts even if they are not my thoughts today.

Truth Today

I have eaten sweet rolls and ice cream today. I have had a couple of cups of coffee too. That’s it. I’ve had sex and instead of napping, I’m just watching football and making smart remarks on Twitter, doing nothing, really. I feel perfectly, “typical” American.

And, yes, I need to go for a walk. #exercise is important.